I have been approached time and time again through email and my blog about being a Mormon Surrogate. I am asked advice on the combo at least once a week. I am not complaining, I just feel it obviously is something I should address.
I feel like I keep repeating myself over and over, so here it goes:
When I was first starting out as a surrogate I felt very strongly about it. I felt that I was actually led to it, that it was something I was supposed to do. I was not active in the church at the time (2005), however, I still considered myself a good little Mormon girl and was curious what the church would think. My mom was the most spiritual person I knew. She goes to the temple weekly. She was living with me at the time and I discussed it with her. She was supportive even though she wasn't sure what to think at first. She finally came to the conclusion that there are all these babies that still need to be born in this time and someone needs to help bring down those babies. That has always stuck with me. These babies need to get here somehow.
Shortly after our conversation I moved to San Diego to be with my Navy hubby. We went to church a few times and went to some of the activities. Right away I met another surrogate in the ward. Everyone seemed supportive of surrogacy and surrogates. Most people I talked to in San Diego or back in Utah felt it was a very spiritual, positive thing to do. I knew some very influential and/or respectable people within the church and they seemed supportive. No one ever said otherwise. Sure I had a friend or two who didn't understand it but actually they weren't even LDS, it wasn't a religious thing with them. They just didn't get it.
I moved back to Utah in 2006, about 2 weeks after my first surrobaby was born. A few people in the ward knew and acted supportive. People started to approach me and compliment me and be in awe of such a selfless act. During this time I was matched again, got pregnant, but sadly miscarried. A year later I was matched again and after 2 transfers, I was pregnant with twins. We went to church a few times here and there and slowly got to know our ward. For the most part, people were extremely supportive. Only a few people didn't seem to know what to think.
After the birth of the twins in 2009, my husband initiated us to go back to church full time. Sure, why not? So our journey began. We were on a fast-track. I believe it was May that we really started going back. (although we had been a few times during the twin pregnancy) I remember still healing from the c-section and falling dead asleep in sacrament because I was on Lortab and it knocked me on my butt. I remember thinking, "this is not good to be drugged out at church". But I'm getting sidetracked.
We had the missionaries come over and start teaching us the lessons. We had 2 children older than 8 who hadn't been baptized yet. That was our first goal. That goal soon became doubled with my husband being challenged to be the one to baptize the kids. He hesitated but it ended up working out. They were baptized in July 2009. Somewhere along the way as we soon were challenged to go through the temple, I became curious about how surrogacy would fit into it all. I wasn't done being a surrogate and I didn't want it to be an issue. So I Googled LDS surrogate, etc. I came across something that seemed to suggest that the church didn't exactly agree with it. I was confused, so I asked the bishop. He knew exactly where to look and pulled out the church handbook. "The church strongly discourages surrogacy" I believe it used to just be "discourages surrogacy" , but is now strongly discouraged?
I have not received a straight forward answer on why it's discouraged or what about it is discouraged. Like everything else in the church, it all seems to depend on your ward/stake leaders.
This is my
opinion on the whole issue. I believe it is traditional surrogacy that the church frowns upon. (using your own eggs as a surrogate) I also believe that there are things that go along with surrogacy that wouldn't fit in with church standards, for example: selective reduction, aborting because of abnormalities, being a surrogate for a single parent or same sex parent since the church is all about FAMILY as husband and wife with their children. That being said, it is my understanding that being a gestational surrogate as long as you follow church standards is okey dokey. I also believe that the church might not want to condone it because it's not for everyone. Some women might have a hard time being a surrogate. I've also heard that some people frown upon the fact that surrogates are compensated, and yet it's totally fine for a mother to give her child up for adoption and be compensated. I think there is so much involved with surrogacy that it would be hard for the church to specifically say
this is ok and
this is not. It is discouraged, not absolutely forbidden. I have never been approached and told I should not be a surrogate. I will always consider myself a surrogate even if I never do it again. It would crush me if I was ever told I couldn't do something that was so much a part of who I am. Not only that but I believe that being a surrogate brought me closer to God and I still feel good about being a surrogate. So if it's absolutely wrong in the church's eyes, then the most spiritual, uplifting times of my life were not valid. That does not sit well with me. I know plenty of LDS surrogates who got the ok from their Bishop/Stake President. If you are in doubt, I would suggest talking to them. I am only sharing my personal opinion of my experience and how I feel about it all.
What's interesting is the fact that my blog began as a spiritual journal as we prepared to go through the temple. Mormon Surrogate is what described me best. I knew it wasn't an extremely common combination, that there weren't a TON of us out there, but I didn't know that it was controversial or that so many people would be reaching out to me as they search for answers.
If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. If you have come here looking for answers and are wanting to be a surrogate, I wish you the best of luck!
