Sunday, March 31, 2013

Easter Memories

I remember one Easter when I was about 8 or 9 and it had snowed. No one was happy about it. It was super cold and me, my brother and sister HAD to go outside in the front yard by the nectarine tree to take a picture in our Easter best. We all look really happy in the picture. I love the memory though.

Another year I remember my mom was in the fat free phase (that everyone went through in the 90's) and would only get us Easter candy that was fat free. I already liked Sour Patch Kids, so I was happy because they were fat free and I could have them.

I remember another year when I was about 13-14, I was with my cousins and us girls used Robin Egg candy as lipstick. We looked lovely in our pastel colors, bright blue, pink and purple. I have a picture somewhere.

The most unforgettable Easter was 4 years ago. I was in the hospital on bed rest in preterm labor with the twins, trying to keep them in a few weeks longer. (Surrogacy) It was hard when I realized I'd be in the hospital for awhile and during a big holiday. I was bummed I wouldn't be with my family. They did come to visit me though and it was an Easter I'll never forget. I managed to keep them in another week.

I hope you will all make wonderful Easter memories with your families and loved ones.

God Bless!

Happy Easter!

Monday, March 11, 2013

The Truth about Surrogacy & Beta Update

The truth about surrogacy-

It's not easy! It's not all fun and games. You need to know all the possibilities before you get into it.

You may go through things that you've never been through before or that you never even realized were possible. Be prepared for the good and the bad.

There may be hard choices to make. What you may go through is nothing compared to what the Intended Parents have been through and go through.

It can still be very rewarding. Do your research, talk to other surrogates.

Even though there are some hard things we might go through, it's usually not like the horror stories that the news, tv and movies show. Those surrogates were uninformed or were doing it for the wrong reasons or trusted a crappy agency.  Or they had issues and shouldn't have been a surrogate.

I head things all the time about surrogacy in the news. Unfortunately they rarely focus on the sweet, heart warming stories that is what makes surrogacy so beautiful. They often leave out important facts. There us usually so much more to the story.

I've had many wonderful adventures in surrogacy. I've had a few rough times and right now is one of them. However, I know it doesn't always work the first time and I know it's not always easy.
Beta update-
Beta went from 53.5 to 45 to 42. Dr. called yesterday to say it's a chemical pregnancy and to stop meds. I'm hoping the next step is to try again.

It took two times to get pregnant with the twins.

I feel bad because we all got excited over all the positive pregnancy tests.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Beta and a bad day yesterday #surrogacy #nonsurrogacy #4journey

It started off bad. I hate days like that.

I had an appointment at the local clinic at 10:45 for my Beta. (pregnancy blood draw) I was running about 10 minutes late. I hate that too.

I go to check in and the clinic tells me they have not received the orders yet for the lab work. I don't understand why no one communicates with me before the day of, not even morning of. It would have been nice to know and this isn't the first time there's been a miscommunication or non-communication between the clinics.

There I was ready to find out if I was pregnant or not. I had to call the CA clinic and have them fax the orders. I was put on hold and it took awhile. They said they would fax it right away. I waited another 10-15 minutes. Blood was drawn and I knew it would be early evening when I heard back.

Not the worst situation, but stressful. It wasn't the first time the clinic almost had me in tears because something wasn't going right.

(later I found out that the other clinic HAD sent it, but they don't think the local clinic gets their faxes for some reason)

I've had a rough week. My son has been in the adolescent psychiatric unit since Saturday night. (Today is Wednesday for those of you reading this in the future)

I had an appointment to visit with one of the therapists and it takes a good hour to get there. I still had time, but my time was running shorter.

I've been having issues with my phone which is no fun, so I stopped to see what could be done. I was feeling off and anxious and frustrated and it wasn't fun waiting around for 20 minutes to be helped. They could reset my phone or order a new one under warranty, but I had pictures, etc. I wanted to get off first.

Okay, so on to the next thing. I had some time to kill before my appointment with my son's therapist at the hospital. I needed to eat, it would take me 30 minutes to get home and then I'd have to pretty much turn around and leave.

I considered meeting my husband for a quick lunch, but decided instead to grab lunch and take it up to my son.

Yay, I was being adventurous and thoughtful all on my own. I didn't have a lot of time, but enough to have a quick lunch and visit.

About 40 minutes later I pulled into a Wendy's close to the hospital. I would just order 2 quick chicken nugget kids meals.

HA! It was lunch time and there were 5 people ahead of me and it sounded like one of the orders was wrong and needed to be fixed. After realizing I was wasting time, I decided to try the drive through. It's usually quicker right?

I drove around the corner and there were a few cars in line. I decided I didn't want to risk missing visiting hours... so I went to back up. And of course there was a car behind me who didn't get the hint that I was trying to back up. I was wedged in, stuck. Sure I should have just backed up anyway... plowed him over, whatever. At this point I had anxiety and I kind of froze. I tried to see if I could get out any other way and I was stuck. Okay, so at least I can get food and drop it off. I may still make it in time, even if it's 10 minutes before visiting hours are over.

I got the food fairly quickly and was on my way. My husband has driven us every other time we've been to the hospital. I was pretty sure I knew where I was going. But I somehow was at an intersection and felt like I should have turned already. I was looking for the street and never saw it. I felt lost and panicked. I took a breath, turned right and figured I'd pull over and ask my handy dandy GPS for help. However I seemed to find a back way and there it was.  PHEW!

I pull in the parking lot and there is NOWHERE to park! It's a pretty small lot. Okay, so I will just drive out and back in and look again. As I go out, someone is coming in and at one point it's a nice, narrow, tight squeeze. Great, this guy probably thinks I'm an idiot. Is it a one way/enter only or what? Didn't seem to be. Ugh!

I pull over by a snow bank and just breathe for a minute. I then decide to try the back of the building, but it said STAFF parking. Okay, let's try again... I circle around and Hallelujah a van was leaving.

Okay, I'm parked and my mother in law had tried to call. She was coming to the appointment as well and wanted to know if I wanted to ride together. I called her back and broke down in tears as I told her I was already there and having a bad day.

I grab the food and I'm ready to visit my son even if they tell me no. For some reason, 2 kids meals filled up 4 bags with Frosty's, etc. So I'm carrying 4 bags, a birthday card for my son and his drink and my purse. (his birthday was Tuesday)

I drop the birthday card. I set everything on the ground and resituate. I am in tears.

Of course there's someone walking by me as I go in, of course there's someone on the elevator. She makes a comment about making the bags easier to carry. I tell her, yeah it's been one of those days. She says, I think everyone has felt like that today, must be something in the air.

I get to my son's floor and go to buzz in. No one answers, but someone else is headed in and lets me through. It takes a minute for me to check in and I'm still trying to juggle everything. They get my son and there's not a visiting room available... so we sit in the main area with other people. Not what I wanted. After a  few minutes I ask about a room and someone finds us one.

I had a nice visit with my son, Jeremy. It was nice to be just the two of us. He was glad I came and thankful for the food. He is a super picky eater. He likes peanut butter but not jelly and had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. He spilled the jelly on his favorite shirt and was bummed.

All was good. Visiting hours should have been over, but no one said anything. Jeremy is doing better and was calm and happy. (and after awhile I was too) After an hour his grandma arrived and we met with the therapist. He left for awhile and when he came back he was kind of out of it and confused and sedated. They are still adjusting his meds.

It was time to head home. I was tired and had a nasty headache. I wanted to lay down and rest. A few people had called or tried to text about Jeremy. I made a few phone calls.

I wasn't worried about the test result from the clinic. I am usually anxious to know for sure. I had tested and gotten plenty of positive results at home. But that doesn't always mean anything. With IVF/Surrogacy, anything could happen. Anything could change. I felt calm about it though. I was not stressed about that at all.

I took a nap and when I woke up it was 7:30. I was a little concerned that I hadn't heard from the clinic or my IM by then. My phone decided to restart itself and when it did there were e-mails from my IM from earlier in the day asking how I was doing. Then I noticed an e-mail from the clinic.

I didn't feel good about them e-mailing instead of calling me and I was wondering why I hadn't heard from my IM yet.

The beta results were 53. The clinic was hoping for 100 at that point, but they weren't too concerned. I will go back tomorrow and hopefully the number will be well over 100. Even though they said they weren't worried, I couldn't help but feel like there could be some concern.

My first beta with my first surrogacy was 60. I don't remember the clinic wanting it to be a certain number. I just remember them wanting it to keep going up and it doubled in 48 hours which was great. My beta with the twins was 324, but numbers don't always mean anything other than pregnant or not.

I called my IM to see how she was doing and to see if she had heard from the clinic.
She hadn't had a great day either and was also frustrated that it took awhile to hear from the clinic. She wasn't sure if we should be concerned or not.

I had heard other surrogates having lower betas and going on to have successful pregnancies. I felt good about all our positive home pregnancy tests so IM and I decided not to stress.

Also, I've been having plenty of pregnancy symptoms... I've been tired, nauseous and hormonal the past week.

I was hoping for a number around 77, but I think 53 is a good start. IM said the clinic told her 53.5, so even better!

Please send prayers, good luck, whatever you've got that tomorrow's numbers are great and that they continue to climb!

And thank you if you made it this far. I know that was a lot.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Testing...... testing (pregnancy) #surrogacy #4journey

Tomorrow is the official blood test/beta at the local fertility clinic.

In the meantime I've taken a few home pregnancy tests.

If you've been following along, then you know that my Intended Parents- Amazing Grace and Big Daddy wanted to wait for the official results at the clinic. However, they decided they wanted to know the home results, so.......

The transfer was last Friday (2/22/13) and I've been getting positives since Wednesday 2/27/13. (I think I actually got some very faint questionable lines before that) I think 5 days past the transfer is sooner than I've gotten positives with my other surrogacy pregnancies. I can't wait to hear what the "official" results say.

Not the birthday party we were expecting

Happy Birthday to my son Jeremy who is 16 today!

He's had some challenges throughout his life and he's had a particularly rough year. He is unfortunately spending his birthday in the Adolescent Psychiatric Unit. That's the last place a mother wants to take their child for their birthday, but it was necessary. He's been there since Saturday night. (3/2/13)

It's a very long story... but here's a little info-

He's struggled with depression, anxiety, dysthymia, adhd and a learning disability since he was 8. For awhile we thought he was early onset bipolar, he was recently diagnoses as Austism Spectrum Disorder/ Pervasive Development Disorder.

Over the summer, he got in two fights with his dad and he went to live with his Grandma while we got him back in counseling and his dad had already been going to counseling for possible PTSD/Depression, etc.

It's been a rollercoaster ride ever since. Things were "better" at first, then he'd be calling me and texting me all the time about different things that were bothering him. He had a few meltdowns.

He has been obsessed and now in love with Lady Gaga for the past year. He gets very hurt and offended if you say anything negative about her or even if you don't like her as much as he does.

He's struggling in school. (I home schooled him for 2 years after I had had enough of watching him struggle, but he was put back in while living with his Grandma. I thought it *could* be okay, but now I don't know what's best for him education wise)

He made some bad decisions this week after he was told that we wouldn't be taking him out to dinner for Lady Gaga's birthday. His choices had consequences and he threatened suicide as our consequence.

I'm hoping that he will finally get the help he needs. I don't think the therapy we've been doing with him the past 8 months has gotten us anywhere.

That is the short version.

I also got news from another Dr. today that he may have Pancreaitis or some other issues with his Pancreas from the medications he's been on. Nice news to learn on his birthday.


I love him and hope we can get through this and the ultimate goal is for him to be back in our home again.

I called this morning to tell him Happy Birthday and he sounded good. We will be taking him his favorite food from Spaghetti Factory and then having cake.